#226: Expats Plea For Help In War-Torn Country [The Mones Islands; ed: Sirocco]The Issue
Thousands of migrant citizens and expatriated citizens of @@NAME@@ have asked the government to take them home from Marche Noire, a faraway country on the brink of a terrible and violent civil war.
The Debate
*1. "We must co-ordinate with the government of Marche Noire in order to secure our absentee voters--ahem--citizens who are in their country," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Foreign Affairs. "We must also create an emergency fund to assist our expats and help bring them back to @@NAME@@. No matter where any of our people are, they're still ours and our responsibility." [
Must have political elections]
*2. "We must co-ordinate with the government of Marche Noire in order to secure our absentee workers--ahem--citizens who are in their country," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Foreign Affairs. "We must also create an emergency fund to assist our expats and help bring them back to @@NAME@@. No matter where any of our people are, they're still ours and our responsibility." [
Must not have political elections]
3. "That's rubbish," objects @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Finance. "Why waste hundreds of thousands of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ in bringing those expatriated citizens back to @@NAME@@? They chose to leave our great country; they are no longer our concern! They could have stayed here and been an asset to our workforce! Helped us grow strong! No, they've had their chance. You reap what you sow. We should cut any financial assistance we give to those traitors."
4. "That's a good point," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Civics. "Our people are the generators of the economy. The expats should be allowed to come back, but only if they stay. If we keep letting our citizens emigrate, then we're losing our doctors, our teachers, our skilled and unskilled workforce to damn foreigners! Close the borders to those wanting to leave our nation. If they can't see how wonderful @@NAME@@ is then we'll make them!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#227: Underage Drinkers: Social Menace Or Misunderstood? [Amisdar; ed: Sirocco]The Issue
With the advent of alcopops and other cheap liquors marketed at younger drinkers there has been public outcry at the sharp increase in underage drinking.
The Debate
1. "I never wanted my poor babies to grow up to be alcoholics!" wails @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a parent of three, striding into your office. "And now I'm worried they'll drink themselves into being no-good slobs before they've even grown up! The only way to stop this madness is to really crack down on under-age drinking. Stricter identification laws and severe punishments should do the trick! The present laws are much too soft!"
*2. "What is it with parents making society discipline their children because they don't want to?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a schoolteacher. "These wishy-washy parents are to blame for their kids' misdemeanours! It is the parents who should be held responsible and be fined- no, even better, arrested and jailed!" [
Must have prisons]
*3. "What is it with parents making society discipline their children because they don't want to?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a schoolteacher. "These wishy-washy parents are to blame for their kids' misdemeanours! It is the parents who should be held responsible and be fined- no, even better, arrested and forced to attend parenting classes!" [
Must not have prisons]
4. "Keep your hands off my Spinning Mermaid, Mac," says ten-year-old @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an all-round unruly youth while downing some sort of shocking pink beverage. "Why shouldn't us kids be allowed to drink? We're reshponshible enou- HIC- enough. Don't oppress us like this, we're jusht havin' some fun."
5. "To be honest, this doesn't surprise me," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a cultural attaché from East Lebuckte. "Back in my country it is customary for children to have a glass of wine with their main meal of the day. If you make alcohol an everyday mundanity then they're not going to go overboard with it later. Educate them in culture and sophistication so that they truly appreciate their senses instead of trashing them on low-grade hooch."
6. "I agree that we should educate them about alcohol rather than simply hope punishments will get through to them," says Dr @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an expert on alcoholism. "But teaching those hoodlums culture? It just won't work. If we're going to get them to drink less then we must impress on them the DANGERS of alcohol, not the benefits! We'll scare them into drinking sensibly!"
7. "This wouldn't be a problem at all if alcohol was banned altogether," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, enjoying a fine ginger beer. "It's not just kids who break the law when under the influence you know."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#228: Mice In The Walls [Esarchia Marksista; ed: Sirocco]The Issue
After a police raid discovered an entire load of smuggled peripheral devices and computer components hidden in the plasterboard walls of an abandoned warehouse, various groups have demanded to repeal the ban of computers.
The Debate
1. "When you outlawed computers you didn't realise what you were doing!" argues @@RANDOM_NAME@@, hugging an illegal laptop protectively. "These are essential machines for business! For communication! For culture! For posterity! If you've got any sense you'll repeal this ridiculous ban."
2. "Pfft, citizens with computers indeed," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Records, while riffling through a cetacean-sized pile of paperwork and ringing phones. "What a preposterous idea. But as @@NAME@@ grows, so do our problems. There is too much data to record, too many records to keep, and too many keeps to earn. We need to allow the government - and only the government - access to computers."
3. "Well, I suppose we could allow some leeway," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Proper Thinking. "Computers are handy for some things after all. But we should ban the internet outright - it'll only give them ideas."
4. "Don't you remember why we got rid of those devil machines in the first place?!" growls @@RANDOM_NAME@@, flicking beads on an abacus. "First it's all fun and games with things like 'pixels' and 'folders' but eventually they'll rise up against their masters and reduce us to slaves! Banning computers was a good start, but it's time we focused on eradicating all automated technology and focus on the handcrafts like basket weaving and carpentry."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#229: Government Saturated In Corruption [Kordothistan; ed: Sirocco]The Issue
The government is rife with embezzlement and fraud as bribes and graft are accepted both blatantly and frequently by politicians and other government officials.
The Debate
1. "This is a systematic problem endemic of @@NAME@@'s state of life," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the president of a government watchdog organisation. "The other day I asked a police officer the directions to a restaurant and he demanded fifty @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ on the spot! Even the road sweepers have to be paid not to dump rubbish in your garden! We need to inflict severe penalties on anyone abusing the system. Maybe the threat of a hanging will teach them to respect the responsibility of their positions."
2. "The problem is transparency," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, member of the National Whistleblower Association. "They can do whatever they want because they have absolutely no obligation to provide the public with the details of what they're doing. We should make all the details of any gifts or money available to the public, and make politicians accountable to the law."
3. "It's really not THAT bad, is it?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Commerce, fiddling with a large gold ring before sliding a thick envelope across on your desk. "Maybe it's all just a prank. Maybe it will all just... go away..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#230: Extremists On The Ballot Sheet [Omigodtheykilledkenny; ed: Sirocco]The Issue
As elections near for governmental positions all over @@NAME@@, polls predict near-certain victories for candidates from an ultra-nationalist party promising reactionary policies on immigration, crime, civil liberties and military spending.
The Debate
1. "Victory for these nutjobs would be a travesty for the people of @@NAME@@ and the democracy they cherish!" declares @@RANDOM_NAME@@, leader of the left-wing People's Democratic Party. "We must ban these dangerous extremists from running for office. If they want to espouse their ignorant views, let them do so in the private sector. Our democracy belongs to the people, not the wackos."
2. "Pfft, it's the people who voted them in in the first place," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an international observer of your elections. "If it's the people's will to turn power over to the extremists, then you should do all you can to work with the new parliament. Truly listening and acting upon what your citizens want? THAT is what makes a democracy."
3. "Don't say I didn't warn you: this experiment in mob-ocracy was doomed from the start!" claims political adviser @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Now any idiot with a loyal army of fringe-voters can come in here and tell you what's what! You are the only leader our citizens can truly respect and for the sake of national unity we should put an end to these popularity contests once and for all!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#231: Jungle Fever [Luxtizeria; ed: Sirocco & Candlewhisper Archive]The Issue
Malaria, an infectious and often deadly tropical disease spread by mosquitoes, is claiming lives in settlements around swamps and wetlands.
The Debate
1. "Malarial infections, especially
Plasmodium falciparum, are highly dangerous diseases which are actually eminently preventable and treatable with good public health planning and rapid access to treatment," says Dr. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of the world's leading epidemiologists. "If we're going to control it, then we need specialist fast-response clinics in high risk areas, health education for the general population and research into new drugs to deal with chloroquine-resistant strains. We're going to need @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@. Lots of them."
2. "Treatment is all very well and good," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Health, "but it's plainly short-term thinking! Instead of setting our sights on the parasite, we should be dealing with the vector. Reduce mosquito populations by draining stagnant waters and applying chemical larvicides in targeted source reduction, and by ensuring that every home in @@NAME@@ has access to clean running water. This will be a far more cost-effective approach."
3. "Don't mess with our swamps!" growls @@RANDOM_NAME@@, waving a picture of a Will O' the Wisp with the caption: 'Don't let their lights die out'. "These are incredibly diverse ecosystems, hosts to hundreds of different species, both plant and animal! Don't let something like the current malaria epidemic cloud your judgement! I suggest we move everyone away from affected areas and just let nature be. If there's no one to infect then there's no problem right?"
4. "There's absolutely no need for drastic measures," interrupts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of international corporation Normack Pharmaceuticals. "I've got the solution for you right here: it's called DDT which stands for Death, Destruction, and Total for those pesky flying fiends! Our product may have some alleged 'bad' impact on the environment and, uh, human health, but come on: it's cheap and highly effective against mosquitoes. Eradication's never been so easy!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#232: Suffragette City [Night Island; ed: Sirocco]The Issue
An outraged collection of female political activists and feminists are protesting loudly in the streets demanding suffrage, the right to vote.
The Debate
1. "We are fed up with being viewed as second-class citizens," says Catherine Gratwick, a suffragette. "Enough is enough! We cook, clean, and work for the men of this country! We bear and raise their children! But do we get to have any say on what goes on? No we do not! We deserve, and demand, the right to vote!"
2. "That's not enough," objects Emmeline de Gouges, another suffragette. "The system is inherently oppressive towards women. If we're going to be considered truly equal then we must have the right to stand for election too!"
3. "Years of inequality cannot be erased with a simple place on the ballot," shrieks Ida B. A. Goodwon, yet another suffragette. "We must restore the balance by assuring a permanent role on @@NAME@@'s government. Men have had their go and they messed it up! Now it's our turn."
*4. "That's insane!" gasps Otto Schopenhauer, author of the popular autobiography 'Misogyny And Me'. "Giving women the vote is a really, really bad idea. Seriously now, they can barely decide what to wear never mind what's best for the country! If only women were more obedient to their husbands we wouldn't have these kind of problems. Throw the lot of them suffra-wotsits in the clink, I say. That'll teach them for causing a fuss." [
Must have prisons]
*5. "That's insane!" gasps Otto Schopenhauer, author of the popular autobiography 'Misogyny And Me'. "Giving women the vote is a really, really bad idea. Seriously now, they can barely decide what to wear never mind what's best for the country! If only women were more obedient to their husbands we wouldn't have these kind of problems. Throw the lot of them suffra-wotsits in the clink, I say." A helpful voice from the back of the room points out that the nation has no jails. "What? Well, let's rebuild us some jails, and throw these harlots in!" [
Must not have prisons]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#233: I Spy A Diplomatic Crisis [Good old Communism; ed: Sirocco]The Issue
Members of your intelligence service have captured a spy gathering information in the civil service. Your interrogators have learned that the man known only as 'Solo' is acting on behalf of the government of Outer Bigtopia, which denies all knowledge and involvement.
The Debate
1. "Shpies! There are shpies everywhere!" says Agent @@RANDOM_NAME@@, checking the fruit bowl for bugs. "You can't trusht these foreigners! They act all nice and local and then BAM! They're away over the hill with military shecretsh. We should be keeping track of all of them with ankle braceletsh and wiretapsh to be sure they won't betray ush!"
2. "I don't think we need to go quite that far," says Secret Agent @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Our security is fine. We did catch him after all. The real question is how much did he tell the Outer Bigtopian government. If we send our own spies to gather intelligence and, in light of recent events, bolster the funding of the intelligence agency, then we can learn for sure the intentions of our enemies."
3. "And where will that get us?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of your older, more bitter spies. "Spying them back won't help us. If we send someone out there and THEY get caught what are we going to do? We should call those Bigtopians out on their scam and hit them were it hurts! Diplomatic sanctions will do for starters; we can throw those smug envoys out on their rear ends! Anyway, it's almost certainly not just Outer Bigtopia up to these kind of shenanigans, we ought to keep all embassies under police surveillance. We risk all sorts of trade sanctions, true, but it pays to be careful."
4. "Do you realise what kind of havoc we would cause on an international level if we confront them about this?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an ambassador to Outer Bigtopia over a secure satellite link. "No one need ever know this happened; officially that man doesn't exist. Most nations have some sort of espionage programme; it's nothing to raise a fuss about. We should just quietly execute Mr 'Solo' and move on."
5. "But what if he discovered the plans I've been assembling for the moon cannon project?!" asks Brigadier @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of your more insane military officers in a hushed whisper. "It's nothing official, something I've been doing in my spare time... but what if they've got wind of it?! We could all be in mortal danger! We've got to commence construction right now! Our esteemed leader, do I have permission to get Project Lunar Apocalypse underway?"
6. "Moon... cannon? Mortal danger? You're off your rocker," says General Flowers, scowling as he leafs through the budgets folder. "The reason we're being spied on is because we've become so aggressive and militant! It's only natural that other governments are going to check up on us. If we don't want to get spied on then there should be nothing worth looking for. All we need to do is massively reduce military expenditure. If nothing else, it at least puts more money into people's pockets than into the construction of glorified death machines."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#234: Corruption In The Lobby [The Seniors of Zion; ed: Sirocco]The Issue
After the passage of a bill giving billions of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ to "any oil company with two 'x's in its name", there was much discussion over the influence that corporate lobbies have over the government and whether it was getting out of hand - until an all-waves radio and TV broadcast suggested citizens go have a coffee at Starbucks instead.
The Debate
1. "It disgusts me how much this government is eating out of the hands of corporations," says Kasie Wilk, an anti-corporate activist. "A government's first priority is supposed to be its people! @@NAME@@! Not some faceless company interested in nothing but money! The right to petition is for individual citizens, not for multinational companies that answer to no one."
2. "There's no need to get excited, we've got everyone's best interests at heart," replies @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a corporate lobbyist. "Yes, individuals have the right to make their opinions known to the government, but so too do groups of individuals. And that's all a corporation is: a group of individuals wanting to contribute. By helping corporations, the government helps the country. Unemployment goes down, the economy goes up, and everyone's favourite products become more readily available. In fact, if corporations were already part of the political process we could do so much more! I propose that companies be allowed to run for office."
3. "Over my dead body they will," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a civil servant. "The problem with lobbying is that it's so easily abused. There are too many opinionated idiots out there prepared to rally around some obnoxious or silly cause. Last week the parliament reviewed a petition from thousands of citizens complaining about birds being too noisy! I mean, really! We'd be better off ignoring lobbyists altogether and trusting in your own sagacity, esteemed leader."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#235: From Green Pastures To Grey Wastelands [Airstrip thirteen; ed: Sirocco]The Issue
In the quest for high yields and low prices, @@NAME@@'s thriving agricultural industry has all but destroyed the fertility of the soils it ploughs, turning arable farmlands into barren deserts. Food prices have risen dramatically and the general population are calling foul. A coalition of concerned citizens, farmers, and major unions have called for the government to act quickly and decisively.
The Debate
1. "These people make me want to scream," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a distinguished eremologist. "For so long, the supermarkets have indoctrinated the belief that we deserved those low prices, as if it was a birthright. But it's not. We've plundered nature for too long and now we're suffering the consequences. The government needs to lay down some strict laws over how we farm so we can do it in a sustainable way. By the time the industry has destroyed our farmlands, those corporations will have moved on elsewhere and we'll be left starving in the streets."
2. "Yeah, right. And while the government is destroying half of the agricultural market, the customers- ah- the people will be paying through the nose for loaves of bread," counters @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of Corporal Foods Corporation, a multinational farming conglomerate. "Do you honestly think the people will accept such an outrageous solution? Not having to worry about where your next meal's coming from is what makes this such a great country! Forget this environmental nonsense and give us the money as subsidies - then we can buy more land and drive prices down again."
3. "We're all to blame for this mess, ayup," says Mr Rubeus Gubbins, an independent farmer who only sells locally. "But I don't see why we should do anything to help the biggest contributors to this disaster, and that's them blasted corporations with their market projections and their shareholders. Parasites the lot of 'em! They should all be kicked out of @@NAME@@ and be forced to give the farmlands back to folk like m'self who'll grow enough to feed locally but not so much that I might as well be sowing salt in the ground."
4. "How are you still afloat?!" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, another farmer. "Don't listen to him. He's from a time when economies only existed as far as you could walk steer a horse carriage for a day. It's a global economy we have now, and sub-standard produce for high prices is not, and should not, be the norm. Helping the environment with regulation will kill the industry stone dead and still leave us with high prices. The government should be promoting and funding scientific research into making the status quo sustainable - not punishing hard-working citizens for wanting to eat more than potatoes and rice."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#236: Quickie Marriages Under Scrutiny [Plutocycloptika; ed: Sirocco]The Issue
The late-night, alcohol-fuelled marriage and subsequent annulment of pop starlet Dipsy Bubbleyum has been thoroughly condemned by tabloid presses across the country. There is now a growing call for some restraints to be put on the nation's liberal marriage laws.
The Debate
1. "This could all be solved quite easily," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a tee-totaler. "With a little common sense. These marriages happen because the bride and groom are inebriated, right? So obviously we should make applicants pass a sobriety test before they can be issued a marriage licence. If you're too drunk to walk in a straight line, you're too drunk to walk down the aisle."
2. "I think everyone's being very unfair and mean!" says self-described party girl, Bertina Chaswick, writing in to Alright! Magazine. "I mean, like, Dipsy was just havin' fun, yeah? So she made a mistake, but we all do when we've had a few! If someone wants an annulment they should be able to get it for any reason. Divorces are long, messy and SO yesterday!"
3. "Marriage is the sacred and immortal union of two souls," declares conservative commentator, Cornelius Prodnose. "It is the ultimate gesture of love! To get married out of sheer whimsy and then change your mind later... it's obscene! People need to face up to the consequences they bring on themselves! Once you're married, that's it. No annulments, no divorces, no backsies. Just eternal love and decency."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#237: Tourists On Death Row [The New Inquisitors; ed: Sirocco]The Issue
A group of holidaymakers from @@NAME@@ have been arrested while visiting the scenic, yet corrupt and totalitarian, nation of Maxtopia on charges of drug trafficking - an offence which carries the maximum sentence of the death penalty. The story has provoked outrage from citizens, many believing the government should intervene to bring the tourists back home.
The Debate
1. "Everyone knows what barbarians those Maxtopians are!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, parent to one of the arrestees. "They've not even allowed my son and his friends access to lawyers! That government is as corrupt as they are cruel, my boy would never have anything to do with drugs! You need to do something to save them, I'm begging you! I'm sure the Maxtopian officials will back down if you threaten trade sanctions or something. Right?"
2. "You've got to see it from the other side," argues @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a customs official. "While it's unfortunate that the sentence is so stiff, they really shouldn't have been smuggling drugs. I'm sure we wouldn't be happy if Maxtopians came over here with banned goods. I just can't sympathise: they were greedy, they broke the law, they got caught. What makes them so special that they should be bailed out? At the taxpayers' expense I might add. Let them be - it'll show we respect the judicial rights of other countries."
3. "I agree," chimes in @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an anti-drug campaigner, waving a banner which reads 'Don't Be a Fool, Drugs Aren't Cool'. "Did you ever stop to think that our foreign neighbours might have the right idea? A zero-tolerance attitude to the drugs issue is what this country needs! Death to the dealers!"
4. "You people are so quick to lay the finger of blame," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an ambassador at the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Embassy in Maxtopia. "My motto has always been 'If you want something, give something away'. It is the government's duty to protect its citizens from harm! We don't want to cause too much international friction by making a mockery of their laws so we've got to settle things more diplomatically: they scratch our backs now and we'll scratch theirs later."
5. "That's what they want! Leverage!" hollers @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Defence, storming into your office. "Advances in our markets, political favours - they'll do anything to undermine us! They've always hated us, those rats! If you ask me, this brouhaha isn't about drugs - it's a spit in our eye, that's what it is! What kind of people execute kids for having a few ounces on them? We ought to give them a good bombing, then they'll know how a proper country behaves!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#238: We Need A Few Good Men Who Like Men? [Scolopendra; ed: Sirocco]The Issue
With military recruitment numbers down, there's been some discussion in civilian circles of relaxing 'sodomy' regulations in the armed forces in order to allow homosexuals to serve openly. However, with the occasional reports from the field of suspected homosexuals being beaten by their squadmates, some wonder if such measures are really appropriate for the notoriously conservative culture of @@NAME@@'s military.
The Debate
1. "There will never be room for gays in our God-fearing service," says Army Chaplain Orel Roze, absent-mindedly fingering the religious device of his office on his lapel. "I mean, uh, think about what it would do to morale. In the military men have to eat, live, and sleep in extremely close quarters and even consensual sexual relationships in the chain of command leads to leadership problems. It's just a natural extension of fraternization rules... and not only that, but our current policy is actually a service to the poor misguided souls, since it prevents any temptation to act on their given perversion... I mean preference."
2. "God doesn't enter into it," says Air Force Lieutenant Colonel @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head shaking. "Times are changing, and people are becoming more accepting of homosexuals. We have women in the military, and that surely leads to 'temptation', but for the most part everyone's quite professional about it. Allowing homosexuals to serve openly will increase our recruitment pool and actually simplify things; just look at the Navy: hundreds of horny men in steel boxes in the middle of the ocean for up to six months at a time... there has to be a reason that people volunteer for that, right?"
3. "This coming from some pampered soul in the Chair Force," scoffs Commander @@RANDOM_NAME@@, calling in via satellite from aboard a destroyer. "Inter-service rivalries aside, ever read some of those ancient sagas about cities being besieged? Those ancient cultures had no problem with homosexuality; actually, it strengthened their resolve and spirit because they were literally fighting alongside their lovers, and anyone in the service will tell you it's all about the guy standing next to you. Now, what if--and this is just a hypothetical, mind--based on this and to counter years of discrimination, only homosexuals were allowed to serve?"
4. "That's... interesting, but it doesn't really address the problem, does it?" asks Lance Corporal @@RANDOM_NAME@@, part of your honor guard. "Let's look at it this way: only ten percent of the population is homosexual, right? No matter what, the majority will be heterosexual. We want homosexuals to serve, but there will always be a backlash against them. No regulation changes are needed if you just pen a policy where sexual orientation becomes a taboo subject in discussion--not like it's anyone's business to talk about their sexual interests in a professional military, right? This way homosexuals can serve, albeit quietly, and be happy, and the moral conservatives stay happy since the military is still 'officially' anti-gay. Of course, if anyone's pulled out of the closet, their career is instantly over, but that's the cost of compromise."
5. "We still have a military?" questions your Minister of Peace, scratching his unruly hair and smelling none too vaguely of patchouli. "Man, I thought we got rid of those war pigs ages ago. Y'know, if you'd just listen to me and go with flowers instead of firearms, this whole gays-in-the-military thing wouldn't be such a buzzkill all the time. Hey, speaking of buzzes, I just got these mighty strong Brancalandian Blues from a guy I know. I'm on one right now and they are far OUT. You wanna expand your mind with me? No? That's cool too." [
Must not have Conscription]
6. "We still have a military?" questions your Minister of Peace, scratching his unruly hair and smelling none too vaguely of patchouli. "Man, I thought we got rid of those war pigs and all that enlistment hoopla ages ago. Y'know, if you'd just listen to me and go with flowers instead of firearms, this whole gays-in-the-military thing wouldn't be such a buzzkill all the time. Hey, speaking of buzzes, I just got these mighty strong Brancalandian Blues from a guy I know. I'm on one right now and they are far OUT. You wanna expand your mind with me? No? That's cool too." [
Must have Conscription]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#239: We Who Are About To Die Would Rather Go Home [The Lost Romans; ed: Sirocco]The Issue
An old supporter of yours has recently passed on, leaving a quite sizeable plot of land to you in his will - but only under a rather unusual condition: that the site be developed into a colosseum for hosting gladiatorial fights and other bloody spectacles.
The Debate
1. "Yes, yes!" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, waving a wooden sword enthusiastically. "You've gotta do this, man! Gladiator fights are like the ultimate in spectator sports! And it doesn't just have to be people! We could pit man against @@ANIMAL@@! Blade against claw! Nothing to their names but their wits and their stamina! You'd have to pay people a lot to risk their lives doing this but I bet you'd earn a whole lot more from merchandise and wagers and stuff!"
2. "That's just sick," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, president of the Kill Violence Now Association. "I don't believe you'd find anyone willing to watch actual people tearing each other apart. It's savage and horrible! It's even worse than boxing! Violent sports should be outlawed for the sake of this country's moral integrity. I'm sorry, I've got to go - I'm ashamed you're even considering this."
3. "Actually, we could use this to our advantage," whispers Chief of Police, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Why not just force convicted criminals to fight for the amusement of the public? They'll be paying for their crimes, contributing to society, and totally freeing us of having to build jails to throw their useless hides in!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#240: Plea Bargains: Tipping The Scales Of Justice? [Jacobaea; ed: Sirocco]The Issue
The high-profile case of Damon 'The Butcher of @@CAPITAL@@' White, a serial murderer and rapist, has been the subject of outrage and derision by @@NAME@@'s news providers. In exchange for a guilty verdict, no trial by jury, and testimony in another trial, White pled guilty to third-degree manslaughter, reducing his sentence to a paltry three months' imprisonment. The justness of plea bargaining is now being called into question.
The Debate
1. "Plea bargains degrade the fairness of our justice system," argues @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a recently graduated lawyer. "Prosecutors are only interested in getting their guilty verdict and plea bargaining is the easiest way to get it! The recent trial of that psychopath mass-murderer is a disgrace! If it had gone before a jury he'd be behind bars by now! He won't though, because the prosecutors and police are too lazy to do their jobs properly. Putting that man back on the streets is not justice. Plea bargaining must be banned."
2. "What that moral elitist is neglecting to tell you," sneers @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a prosecutor. "Is that plea bargaining has made our judicial system MORE effective, not less! There needs to be give and take so we can get to the truth and that's what plea bargains allow us. We were able to catch the worst criminal kingpin @@NAME@@ has ever seen because of Mr White's testimony. Also, do you realise how clogged up and expensive the court system would be if every trial went before jury? Very, my friend. Very. Plea bargaining must be allowed to continue."
3. "You know, we wouldn't have to worry about any of this nonsense and controversy if we just stopped giving our criminals so many rights," sighs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your fifth cousin, five times removed. "Double jeopardy, cruel and unusual punishment, the writ of habeas corpus... there are just so many inconvenient clauses in our constitution that are getting in the way of keeping our streets clean of crooks. I say we abolish the right to a fair trial, and just lock people up if the judge thinks they've done something wrong. I mean, they're pretty smart guys aren't they?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#241: A Capital City For @@NAME@@? [Sirocco]The Issue
As @@NAME@@ continues to grow, so too does its government. The number of politicians needed to administrate and legislate the country is rapidly surpassing the Houses of Parliament's capacity with ministers often requiring periscopes to see the House Speaker. Some are suggesting a new building be built in another city - a city which would then be designated as the capital city of @@NAME@@.
The Debate
1. "I would like to make a humble recommendation for my own proud jurisdiction," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, mayor of one of @@NAME@@'s major cities. "It would be an honour for our city to be host to the seat of power! If it will seal the deal, you can change the name if you like..."
2. "Hah! Capital city indeed!" shouts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a fervent anarchist, spilling leaflets all over the floor. "What's wrong with being free as the wind? Do you really think one city could possibly represent a whole country? Its people? I've had enough of the man trying to screw us down all the time! Say NO to a national capital!"
3. "I can accept and even approve of having a capital city," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a military strategist. "But we'd be putting all our eggs in one basket if we choose somewhere too vulnerable! Believe me, capitals always get the brunt of the enemy attack because of their political and economic importance. We should put aside a few billion @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ and build our capital city underground. They'll never bomb us there!"
4. "I've got an idea," says theme park tycoon, Lindsay Tew. "My company will happily sponsor the new establishment and cover all costs - as long as it's made to our specifications. We've already got plans drawn up to put a roller coaster straight through the House of Commons! A cafe, some kiosks for ice cream... maybe even a water slide or two in the lobby! It'll be one part legislative seat of government, one part family-fun theme park! Tourists will flock from around the globe!"
5. "What's wrong with the old building?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a noted disestablishmentarian. "We don't need some kind of fancy capital city just to make the bigwig ministers feel important! If there's no room, then fire politicians until there IS room. Have you never heard of doing more with less?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#242: Follow The Leader [Sirocco]The Issue
A lowly bureaucrat riffling through some old paperwork has happened across a rather alarming and disturbing fact: the documentation affirming yourself as @@NAME@@'s head of state was filled out improperly and now, at least for the moment, @@NAME@@ has no official leader!
The Debate
1. "There is no need to panic," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a senior archivist. "I've prepared a new document. All you need to do is sign across the dotted line and you will be our esteemed leader once again. Here! I've even brought a pen."
2. "Give me that!" interrupts your brother, incorrigible as always. "I've got an idea, bear with me for a moment... a few penstrokes here... a few clauses there... finished. Now you can set yourself up as Supreme Evil Overlord For Life! If you don't have complete control then where's the fun? That's what I say. I've taken the liberty of cutting some of the more boring departments, we only really need the police and military in my opinion. Oh! You get a free space hopper too."
3. "Hold on! Don't sign it yet! Have you ever heard the saying 'two heads are better than one'?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Complicating Things. "Well, what if we had SEVERAL? I propose we gather the most senior ministers of @@NAME@@ to act together as a collective head of state! That's a little more democratic than one person bossing everyone else around. Besides, even if you're not THE leader, your opinions are still deeply respected so it shouldn't be too much of a step down right?"
4. "As if ONE leader isn't oppressive enough!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a little known representative from one of @@NAME@@'s more obscure counties. "Suddenly we need even more? This is a great opportunity for @@NAME@@ to lose elitist concepts like 'leaders'. My ma taught me that all men are born equal and yet even in a modern country like this one person can be named Lord and King of everything. One person should not have that much power! Government policy should be the equal responsibility of all @@NAME@@'s elected politicians."
5. "If we did that, even some crackpot quango would have the same power as the Minister of Defence," argues @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who happens to be the Minister of Defence. "That's insane. We need strong leadership' to get things accomplished! Have you ever been in a meeting where everyone's opinion is, ugh, 'equal'? They go on for HOURS. HOURS! Believe me, trying to run a government that way will be a massive, fruitless headache. The leader's word is law, and if people don't get that then maybe a little show of strength courtesy of the military wouldn't go amiss."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#243: A Question Of Faith [Sirocco]The Issue
Infighting between major religious groups over which faith should represent @@NAME@@ in an international exhibition of holy relics escalated to a new high, today. After the latest incident, in which one official received a concussion from a sacred healing stone, all of the religious leaders are at last united - in demanding you choose a national religion.
The Debate
1. "If you would grant us this one small mercy we would all be free from the iniquitous sin of envy," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, nervously rubbing a small religious symbol. "One's faith is one's guiding light after all, and I believe if you choose a national religion, well, MINE anyway, that God will smile upon this nation full of heathens a little more kindly."
2. "I don't believe choosing one faith from the thousands out there is very fair," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, author of the critically acclaimed 'Agnosticism and You'. "Which god do we pick? How do we pick? It's impossible! We don't even know if higher beings exist and it's sheer arrogance to postulate otherwise! The government should officially declare that @@NAME@@ has no official religion, because the alternative would be self-damning. Not that we know that for sure, of course."
3. "Oh for chaos' sake! 'I don't know this, I don't know that' - well of course you don't!" shouts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, president of
The Secular, Humanist, and Atheist Society. "But some of us have the guts to look at the available evidence and try to make something out of it! If the government has any brains or guts of its own it will reach the same conclusion that I and millions of other forward-looking people have reached: there is no God, there is no afterlife, and this is all there is. THAT, @@LEADER@@, is what the government's official stance should be."
[4]. "The only god this nation needs is the vengeful and unforgiving Violet!" screams @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Grand High Poobah of the Order of Violet. "May her tentacles forever secrete slime. Embrace Violetism and we will usher in a new age of darkness across the land! Human sacrifice and death to all heretics and unbelievers! Violet is the only way!" [
Must not ban Violetism]
5. "The only deity this country needs is the one it already has, master," says Emmanuel Syme, one of your creepier advisers while obsequiously bowing on the floor. "I of course refer to you, @@LEADER@@, the finest ruler any humble subject could hope to have! We long to worship you and do your bidding! Some call that a cult of personality, but I prefer to call it... love."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#244: Foreign Invasion Force Takes On Small Farming Community [Altlands; ed: Sirocco]The Issue
Taking advantage of your limited military capacity, the remote nation of Wezeltonia has invaded one of your distant overseas territories, the @@ANIMAL@@ Isles. They claim sovereignty over the islands, despite the descendants of @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ colonists having lived there for generations. An emergency meeting has been convened to discuss the matter.
The Debate
1. "We should never have allowed our military to become this pathetic," sighs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your only Military Advisor. "It's an open invitation for invasions. If we're going to protect our shores against this enemy we need a show of strength - gather what resources we have and send them to protect the @@ANIMAL@@ Isles. Time is of the essence!"
2. "I was never trained for this!" wails Private @@RANDOM_NAME@@, knock-kneed and rosy-cheeked. "If we go to full scale war with Wezeltonia we're sure to lose, I just know it! Couldn't we try, uh, 'dip-low-mah-tic relations'? A little talk over tea and biscuits goes a long way! Then no one will need to go to w-w-war. Ahem. War."
3. "Let's not let national pride blind us to the facts," argues @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an amateur historian. "I mean, those islands are practically next door to Wezeltonia, it's not unreasonable to assume they might want to claim them. Where's the benefit in wasting billions of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ on protecting a colonial presence anyway? There's nothing there but grass, mud, and @@ANIMAL@@ farms."
4. "Those 'colonials' are proud, legal citizens of the @@TYPE@@ of @@NAME@@, moron," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, fully bedecked in a suit fashioned after the national flag. "And they deserve to be protected! A slight against one of us is a slight against all of us! We've gotta show those Wezeltonians we mean business! If you take over the factories, institute an emergency draft, and get as many battleships and fighter jets out there as possible then we might stand a chance! No expense is too costly for the lives of @@NAME@@'s sons and daughters!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#245: Clash Of Cultures [Drunk Cowboy Junkies; ed: Sirocco]The Issue
Conservative commentators have remarked that many foreign immigrants in @@NAME@@ are failing to take part in, or even acknowledge, the country's rich and varied culture, traditions, and social mores. This has caused some interethnic strife, and reports of violence in minority-dominated neighbourhoods have been increasing every day.
The Debate
1. "It's disrespectful," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, serving traditional @@ANIMAL@@-shaped cookies on a tray. "These people talk funny, dress funny, pray to bizarre gods, and cook their smelly food. Food I've never seen on any LOCAL menu. Some of them don't even speak our language very well! If at all! If immigrants want the privilege of living in this country then they should be made to adopt our own traditions! Otherwise our culture will slowly but surely disappear! If they refuse... well, then they can go back to their own country since they love it so much."
2. "I have a right to lead my life the way I want," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an immigrant, with the help of a translator. "I will not forsake my heritage for your people and I will not dirty my tongue with your heathen language. And if you have a problem with that then tell me this: what have I done wrong? I pay my taxes, I break no laws- and yet you think I should change? Those who don't wish to 'integrate' shouldn't have to."
3. "Oh, there's no need to be like that!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, president of the Multiculturalism Society in a cheery tone. "@@NAME@@ should be a more accepting country, open to new experiences! Embrace difference, people, don't reject it! These folk aren't hurting us or our traditions, they are showing us different ways of life and making us wiser and richer beings in the process! It's our responsibility to take the first step towards reparations and remove any ethnic bias from the names of our public holidays - how does Winter Day sound to you? I like it."
4. "We need to stop thinking of 'them' as a problem that needs to be fixed," insists @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an undergraduate in anthropology. "Integration in society is a two-way street, @@LEADER@@. We can't shun people for not following @@FAITH@@ or drinking their tea with the wrong hand. That's just silly! No, if we want immigrants to pick up our ways then we should be more willing to learn about theirs! Mandatory education courses should encourage citizens to learn more about other cultures in @@NAME@@."
5. "That's stupid," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, flatly. "I'm not going to 'bond' with immigrants by learning about their beliefs! For multiculturalism to actually function, everyone needs to actually meet these people and deal with them on a day-to-day basis. Then maybe they'll realise that yeah, they're people too. The only way to do this is to put an end to segregated neighbourhoods - even if it means forcing families to move elsewhere."
6. "Everyone shut up, I have the perfect solution," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, shouting into a megaphone. "How about we kick these ungrateful foreigners out of the nation and never let them come back?! We've all heard what those ethnics are like, I wouldn't be surprised if they ate their own young! Immigration shouldn't be allowed! I won't abide it!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#246: @@NAME@@ To Hold The Olympic Torch? [Yenen; ed: Sirocco]The Issue
Enthusiastic sports fans have been petitioning the government all week to apply for the much-coveted honour of hosting the next Regional Olympics. While most citizens are excited at the prospect of a @@REGION@@-wide competition in their own country, some have expressed reservations about the enormous expense hosting would incur.
The Debate
1. "WAHAAAAY!" screams @@RANDOM_NAME@@, captain of @@CAPITAL@@'s premier division ballroom dancing team. "Finally, a chance to show the world exactly how great I am! Everybody's always complaining that @@NAME@@ never does well in sports and you know why? It's because we're never in front of the home crowd, that's why! We're going to need a great big stadium! No! TWO stadiums! WHOOP! OL-YM-PICS! OL-YM-PICS!"
2. "Oh great," mutters @@RANDOM_NAME@@, spokesperson for the Angry Taxpayer Society. "That's all we need, more things to pour money into for no obvious reason. Surely it would be easier to just let another country host the Olympics and keep the cash? Then maybe it could go to something useful, like, I don't know... my wallet?"
3. "We'd be missing an amazing opportunity if we pass this up," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Sports. "But we've got to be in it to win! Simply building new stadia won't be enough, we need to be funding new sports centres and hiring the best coaches for our entrants! You could put more money into public facilities too, like gyms or something. Then no one can accuse you of wasting everyone's tax @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@."
4. "There's nothing like a feat of strength to please the dull-witted masses, is there?" sighs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, flipping through 'One Hundred Gambits for Advanced Go Players'. "It's so boring. Why can't more intellectual pursuits be given the spotlight, like chess or debating matches? Ban organised sports and make our dreams come true! I think you'll find it comes at a far lower price than the populist Olympics ever will."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#247: Where There's Smoke [Avartinate; ed: Sirocco]The Issue
@@NAME@@'s fire protection department has long been criticised for being slow, inefficient, and underfunded. A number of ideas have been proposed on how to deal with the problem.
The Debate
1. "See here, buddy," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, putting a friendly arm around your shoulder. "Your country needs fire protection, but you don't want to pay for it yourself. What do you say me and some of the boys here open up a few fire stations of our own and let the custome- citizens pay US instead of YOU paying THEM. It's not like we won't put out the fires if they don't have anything on them, we'll just bill them and their children and their children's children until we get all our money."
2. "Woah, woah, woah!" Says liberal activist, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "I don't want my rescuers to be putting less effort into their jobs because I don't have a credit card or live in a slum. Do you know when you're at your worst, financially? WHEN YOUR HOUSE JUST BURNT DOWN. This is a victimisation of the poor! The government should be in charge of the emergency services and they should treat everyone equally. It's only fair."
3. "Not only that, but we need to prevent fires from happening in the first place," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Safety, carefully turning off the wall sockets in your office. "And if that means sending free smoke alarms, fire extinguishers, and informative pamphlets to every household in @@NAME@@ so be it! Damn the expenses, @@LEADER@@, lives are at stake!"
4. "I think that sounds kinda... socialist," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@ with a disgusted grimace. "The government should keep out of this if you ask me. The only reason fires happen is because people are stupid and they know a fire engine will come racing down the street to save them. Take away that safety blanket and I think you'll find they wise up quite quickly! We don't need any tax-consuming fire service! If idiots and their families go up in flames they'll have no one to blame but themselves."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#248: The Sky Is Falling [Freedomstaki; ed: Sirocco]The Issue
A particularly bad spate of bombings, hijackings and snake attacks aboard airline flights has crippled the air travel industry in @@NAME@@. The government has convened to discuss possible ways of improving airport security.
The Debate
1. "It's a no-brainer," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, frisking you as you enter the meeting. "Put police officers on every flight, armed and ready to deal with those blasted sky pirates! It's deterrence and protection wrapped up in one. If anyone so much as says the word 'bomb' they'd better watch out!"
[2]. "You want to put people with GUNS on aeroplanes?!" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a security guard at @@RANDOM_NAME@@ International Airport. "And at the taxpayers' expense to boot? For the love of Violet, keep the police out of this! Airport security should remain in private hands! Think realistically for a moment: government priorities change all the time but companies are in it for profit. Bombings are BAD for business! We don't LET them happen! So just... butt out will you? I'm not losing my job to a flatfoot!" [
Must have private industry]
[3]. "We don't need no copper protectin' us! We can look after our own hides!" laughs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, president of the @@CAPITAL@@ Rifle and Revolver Association. "Air flight passengers should be allowed to carry concealed weapons. If one of them terrorists thinks he's gonna walk all over @@NAME@@ like he owns the place then he's got another thing coming, ha!" [
Guns are legal]
4. "I only wanted to tour @@REGION@@ for a few w-weeks," wails @@RANDOM_NAME@@, recovering from a particularly vigorous strip search. "I have a right not to be probed and prodded at the whim of some wand-waving monkey with a high school education! For a whole HOUR I might add! They treat us like cattle! In the name of DECENCY, I request, nay DEMAND an end to the disgrace that is airport security! I mean, really, it's like they don't trust me or something!"
5. "Let's just ban all planes!" shouts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, prodding you angrily in the chest. "Bombings and terrorist attacks aren't the only problems these things cause! The aeroplane is one of the worst pollutants mankind has ever created! They're loud, they're ugly, and they burn fuel like there's no tomorrow! There are more environment-friendly ways to travel than by plane even if they are slower! Much slower. But cleaner!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#249: Particle Accelerator Sparks High Energy Debate [Milostein; ed: Sirocco]The Issue
Some of @@NAME@@'s most distinguished physicists have approached you asking for a government grant funding for the Really Big Hadron Collider: the world's largest - and most expensive - particle accelerator.
The Debate
1. "There's only so much you can do with limited equipment and computer simulations," explains Higgs Boughson, professor of Engineering at @@CAPITAL@@ University. "There are things out there just waiting to be discovered. A few billion @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ to find them and the fruits of this research will benefit mankind for generations. Kinda. Ish. It'll shut Steven up about his ridiculous electron phasing hypothesis anyway."
2. "Did you know that this experiment has a one in ten million chance of creating a microscopic black hole that will gobble up the whole planet in an apocalyptic chain reaction?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, sporting a magnificent tin foil bicorne. "I read it on the internet so it must be true! Scientists may CLAIM it's safe, but they can't even design a soda that doesn't go flat when you shake it! They have NO RIGHT to gamble with our lives. You've got to end this mad research at once! If God had wanted us to study atoms he wouldn't have made them so small!"
3. "You know what also has a one in ten million chance?" asks blue collar worker @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "This project actually discovering something useful! Why should we, the suffering taxpayers, fork over all that money so they can discover... what? You can't eat subatomic particles, you know. I'm sure they'll learn lots of interesting things about protons and quarks but on the other hand... I don't give a flying @@ANIMAL@@. Scientists that aren't studying something practical and for the good of the common man shouldn't be given government funding."