[DRAFT]Not For Your Amusement

[Socialist Nordia]

Title:
Not For a Your Amusement

Description:
Last weekend, a roller coaster malfunction resulted in multiple injuries at @@CAPITAL@@ Amusement Park. Outraged by perceived lack of safety, concerned parents are now pushing to have something done about the dangers posed by amusement park rides.

Validity:
Roller coasters and amusement parks are legal

Options:
[option]"MY CHILD COULD HAVE DIED ON THAT THING!" screams overprotective mother, @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, while attempting to child-proof your office. "These roller coasters are clearly a danger to the public. Not to mention, they're utterly terrifying. I say we should ban them, along with any other rides that could put my child at risk."
[effect]swings have been banned after being deemed dangerous for children

[option]"Are you serious? People love roller coasters," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, the owner of @@CAPITAL@@ Amusement Park. "This was a totally isolated incident, and all this is doing is ruining my park's popularity. Think of all the tourists being lost. It would be great if the government could help make sure word of these sorts of incidents doesn't spread. There's no need to have people worry about malfunctions."
[effect]people tend to disappear after posting negative reviews about @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ tourist attractions

[option]"Woah, So cool!," says wannabe daredevil @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The only thing cooler than feeling like you're on the brink of death, is actually being on the brink of death. Why don't we just scrap all those lame safety rules? Then maybe we can get some real excitement! Super dangerous, but that's just part of the thrill, man. My choice, my risk, right?."
[effect]roller coasters are advertised as "@@NAME@@'s funnest way to die"


Original draft

Title:
Not For a Your Amusement

Description:
After a roller coaster malfunction resulted in multiple injuries at @@CAPITAL@@ Amusement Park, concerned parents are pushing to have something done about the dangers posed by amusement park rides.

Validity:
Roller coasters and amusement parks are legal

Options:
[option]"MY CHILD COULD HAVE DIED ON THAT THING!" screams overprotective mother, @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, while attempting to child-proof your office. "These roller coasters are clearly a danger to the public. Not to mention, they're utterly terrifying. I say we should ban them, along with any other rides that could put my child at risk."
[effect]Swings have been banned after being deemed dangerous for children

[option]"Are you serious? People love roller coasters," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, the owner of @@CAPITAL@@ Amusement Park. "Think about all the profits, I mean fun that would be missed out on. If the government were to give us a few @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@, I'm sure we could afford to implement better safety standards, and make this park one of the greatest tourist attractions in @@REGION@@!"
[effect]Roller coasters have become more popular than ever, despite safety concerns

[option]"How about instead of banning rides, we can set up a government agency to regulate theme parks," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Bureaucracy. "I'm sure that frequent inspections and tighter regulations could prevent these sorts of incidents from happening in the future. It would be expensive, but at least people could feel safe riding these rides. They are fun, after all."
[effect]Excessive regulations have all but eliminated the profitability of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ theme parks

[Outer Sparta]

The format is wrong. Revise it, and it should be [effect] and [option], whicu are all lowercase.

[Australian rePublic]

Effect for option 1, how did we go from roller coasters to swings?
Effect for option 2, roller coasters are popular-and?

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Effect for option 1, how did we go from roller coasters to swings?
Effect for option 2, roller coasters are popular-and?

Option 1 - Humorous exaggeration. It's fine.

Option 2 - Agree, its not a great effect line.

More general comments:

Option 1 is the needed "ban it! ban it!" option. It has to be there, and you've presented it very entertainingly.

Option 2 has some discord between spending on higher safety and then being told safety is a concern. I'd suggest reframing the humour, by having someone suggest that it is "dubiously regulated travelling carnivals and dodgy dodgem operators that are the problem" and that the solution is a strict licensing process that will raise the bar on safety. Then have some humorous effect line about an excessive safety measure.
I see you've kind of done that in option 3, but that could be shifted up to option 2.

Then finally, go with an option that goes in the full freedom direction,but with a little crazy thrown in. Have a thrill-junkie saying that the danger is what makes @@DEMONYM@@ rollercoasters so much better than the sanitised and boring rides of other nations. Instead, deregulate the industry, make people personally responsible for their own safety, and spend some money promoting the death-defying nature of @@DEMONYM@@ rollercoasters to draw crowds from across the world. Then add an effect line that describes this, like "a culture of nihilistic thrill-seekers is promoting suicide by rollercoaster as the ultimate life experience".

[Socialist Nordia]

I decided to try a new angle on option 2, and took your advice on option 3. Is this better?

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Interesting, I like it.

[Outer Sparta]

Title:
Not For a Your Amusement

Description:
After a roller coaster malfunction resulted in multiple injuries at @@CAPITAL@@ Amusement Park, concerned parents are pushing to have something done about the dangers posed by amusement park rides.

Validity:
Roller coasters and amusement parks are legal

Options:
[option]"MY CHILD COULD HAVE DIED ON THAT THING!" screams overprotective mother, @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, while attempting to child-proof your office. "These roller coasters are clearly a danger to the public. Not to mention, they're utterly terrifying. I say we should ban them, along with any other rides that could put my child at risk."

[effect]Swings have been banned after being deemed dangerous for children

[option]"Are you serious? People love roller coasters," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, the owner of @@CAPITAL@@ Amusement Park. "This was a totally isolated incident, and all this is doing is ruining my park's popularity. Think of all the tourists being lost. It would be great if the government could help make sure word of these sorts of incidents doesn't spread. There's no need to have people worry about malfunctions."

[effect]Government sponsored cover-ups keep the public oblivious to frequent theme park deaths

[optiom]"Woah, So cool!," says wannabe daredevil @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The only thing cooler than feeling like you're on the brink of death, is actually being on the brink of death. Let's get rid of any safety regulations we have on roller coasters so that they can be more exciting than ever. It would be super dangerous, but that's just part of the thrill. I'm riding at my own risk, after all."

[effect]Roller coasters are advertised as "@@NAME@@'s funnest way to die"


Original draft

Title:
Not For a Your Amusement

Description:
After a roller coaster malfunction resulted in multiple injuries at @@CAPITAL@@ Amusement Park, concerned parents are pushing to have something done about the dangers posed by amusement park rides.

Validity:
Roller coasters and amusement parks are legal

Options:
[option]"MY CHILD COULD HAVE DIED ON THAT THING!" screams overprotective mother, @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, while attempting to child-proof your office. "These roller coasters are clearly a danger to the public. Not to mention, they're utterly terrifying. I say we should ban them, along with any other rides that could put my child at risk."

[effect]Swings have been banned after being deemed dangerous for children

[option]"Are you serious? People love roller coasters," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, the owner of @@CAPITAL@@ Amusement Park. "Think about all the profits, I mean fun that would be missed out on. If the government were to give us a few @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@, I'm sure we could afford to implement better safety standards, and make this park one of the greatest tourist attractions in @@REGION@@!"

[effect]Roller coasters have become more popular than ever, despite safety concerns

[option]"How about instead of banning rides, we can set up a government agency to regulate theme parks," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Bureaucracy. "I'm sure that frequent inspections and tighter regulations could prevent these sorts of incidents from happening in the future. It would be expensive, but at least people could feel safe riding these rides. They are fun, after all."

[effect]Excessive regulations have all but eliminated the profitability of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ theme parks

Don't leave a space between the option and the effect. It messes up the format. This is the correct format:

[option]"MY CHILD COULD HAVE DIED ON THAT THING!" screams overprotective mother, @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, while attempting to child-proof your office. "These roller coasters are clearly a danger to the public. Not to mention, they're utterly terrifying. I say we should ban them, along with any other rides that could put my child at risk."
[effect]Swings have been banned after being deemed dangerous for children

Same goes for the other options you have.

[Socialist Nordia]

Thanks for pointing that out. Fixed.

[Outer Sparta]

Thanks for pointing that out. Fixed.

Now it's much better. If you feel it's the right time to submit it, go ahead.

[Socialist Nordia]

Thanks for pointing that out. Fixed.

Now it's much better. If you feel it's the right time to submit it, go ahead.

I think I should wait. I only made the original draft yesterday. I'll wait for some more input.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Ok, let's do a fine-tooth comb edit.

Title:
Not For a Your Amusement

Description:
After a roller coaster malfunction resulted in multiple injuries at @@CAPITAL@@ Amusement Park, concerned parents are pushing to have something done about the dangers posed by amusement park rides.

Issues starting with "after" are really getting tired: 36 instances in the first 300 issues, then I gave up counting. I think this is a trope we should be consciously avoiding with current submissions and edits.

Likewise "something must be done" and its variants are overused.

Try to rephrase to avoid these cliches.

Validity:
Roller coasters and amusement parks are legal

Options:
[option]"MY CHILD COULD HAVE DIED ON THAT THING!" screams overprotective mother, @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, while attempting to child-proof your office. "These roller coasters are clearly a danger to the public. Not to mention, they're utterly terrifying. I say we should ban them, along with any other rides that could put my child at risk."
[effect]Swings have been banned after being deemed dangerous for children

Banning things outright is a time-honoured NS response, though I wonder if it'd have more finesse to and humour to have the overprotective mother be demanding financial compensation instead? It'd give the opportunity for some hypocrisy, changing the action from "while attempting to child-proof your office" (which is funny, no doubt) to something like "while quickly concealing a beach holiday brochure behind her back".

This is just an idea, feel free to keep with banning.

Syntax-wise, please decapitalise effect lines.

[option]"Are you serious? People love roller coasters," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, the owner of @@CAPITAL@@ Amusement Park. "This was a totally isolated incident, and all this is doing is ruining my park's popularity. Think of all the tourists being lost. It would be great if the government could help make sure word of these sorts of incidents doesn't spread. There's no need to have people worry about malfunctions."
[effect]Government sponsored cover-ups keep the public oblivious to frequent theme park deaths

Nice, though clearly corrupt. The effect line is boring, however, as it just describes the action you just picked, not an amusing consequence.

Maybe something like:

[effect]tourists who post bad reviews about holidays @@NAME@@ frequently become missing persons

[option]"Woah, So cool!," says wannabe daredevil @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The only thing cooler than feeling like you're on the brink of death, is actually being on the brink of death. Let's get rid of any safety regulations we have on roller coasters so that they can be more exciting than ever. It would be super dangerous, but that's just part of the thrill. I'm riding at my own risk, after all."
[effect]Roller coasters are advertised as "@@NAME@@'s funnest way to die"

Thanks for implementing this.

I'd say "whoa" and "wannabee", but that's just me.

The last few sentences are a little clumsy and forced, though it gets the point across, they lose some of the character of a daredevil. I'd suggest

"The only thing cooler than feeling like you're on the brink of death, is actually being on the brink of death. It'd be totally awesome if you got rid of dumb safety rules, so we can get some real excitement! Super dangerous, but that's the thrill, baby... My choice, my risks, right?"

Then, decapitalise the effect line and try to phrase it in a way that involves less punctuation. The page-building game engine doesn't like punctuation!

[Socialist Nordia]

Sorry it took me a while to get to this, but I edited the second effect and third option.

[Socialist Nordia]

Bump