[Submitted]Lack of Lactose

[Drasnia]

A very cheesy issue, though I kinda ran out of puns by the time I got to the effect lines. Suggestions and critiques are, as always, much appreciated.

Title: Lack of Lactose

Validity: Not valid for nations that have banned cheese

Description: Swiss Army Cheese, a product comprised of equal parts sharp cheddar and cherry wood, recently began being sold in supermarkets across the nation. It is billed as a survivalist's favorite food and tool, capable of feeding, sheltering, and defending anybody. The Cheese, however, has reignited controversy over the practice used by cheap cheese producers of diluting the dairy with sawdust.

[option]Brunost Liptauer, owner of a gourmet cheesery in western @@NAME@@, strides into your office and slams a brick of Swiss Army Cheese on your desk. He takes a knife, cuts the cheese, and waves it in front of your face. "The abondance of cheap cheeses like this is making it harzer and harzer for producers like myself to survive. Outlaw these so-called 'cheeses' that are made of nearly as much wood as milk so people can partake of the crema the crop."
[effect]only pure cheese can be sold
[stats]intentionally left blank

[option]"This is nacho decision to make," objects Chip Wood, mastermind behind such products as Hickory Halloumi and Mozzarella Mahogany while stuffing your refrigerator full of cheese. "Between you and brie, my Swiss Army Cheese product line has changed how people look at food. Not only can it be eaten, but it can be used as kindling and as a weapon for self-defence. If anything, you should be helping innovators like myself get started and break free from the stranglehold the establishment cheesemongers have been trying to use to stifle competition."
[effect]no camping trip is complete without the ultimate utilitarian food - Swiss Army Cheese
[stats]intentionally left blank

[option]"Pélardon me," culture critic @@RANDOMNAME@@ interrupts with a glass of wine in hand, "but perhaps we can come to a compromise. Most citizens don't know jack about cheese, so to help them, you should have manufacturers print the cheese content percentage on every label. That way those that want high-quality cheese can easily find it while those that want the less expensive option can as well. Sure, the problem of purity will persist, but the consumers will at least be somewhat informed - if they even read the labels."
[effect]cheese purity is a point of debate amongst shoppers
[stats]intentionally left blank

Title: Lack of Lactose

Validity: Not valid for nations that have banned cheese

Description: A new line of dairy products named Tree Cheeses has taken supermarkets by storm. The product, a mixture of half cheese and half wood, markets itself as an affordable way to eat gourmet. However, this has reignited an ongoing struggle between gastronomic connoisseurs and bargain cheesemakers over the latter using sawdust to dilute, and thus reduce the cost of the product.

[option]Brunost Liptauer, owner of a gourmet cheesery in western, strides into your office and slams a brick of Hickory Halloumi on your desk. He takes a knife, cuts a slice, and waves it in front of your face. "The abondance of cheap cheeses is making it harzer and harzer for producers like myself to survive. Outlaw these so-called 'cheeses' that are made of nearly as much wood as milk so people can partake of the crema the crop."
[effect]only pure cheese can be sold
[stats]intentionally left blank

[option]"This is nacho decision to make," objects Chip Wood, mastermind behind such products as Hickory Halloumi and Mozzarella Mahogany while stuffing your refrigerator full of cheese.. "Between you and brie, my Tree Cheese product line has changed how people look at food. Not only can it be eaten, but it can be used as kindling and as a weapon for self-defence. If anything, you should be helping innovators like myself get started and break free from the stranglehold the establishment cheesemongers have been trying to use to stifle competition."
[effect]the Pine Pepper Jack has taken the world by storm.
[stats]intentionally left blank

[option]"Pélardon me," culture critic @@RANDOMNAME@@ interrupts with a glass of wine in hand, "but perhaps we can come to a compromise. Most citizens don't know jack about cheese, so to help them, make manufacturers print the cheese content on every label. That way those that want high-quality cheese can easily find it while those that want the less expensive option can as well."
[effect]cheese purity is a point of debate amongst shoppers
[stats]intentionally left blank

[Australian rePublic]

A very cheesy issue. Now, that's a brilliant title

[Almonaster Nuevo]

I'm thinking that the "pro" option might argue that dietary fibre is good for you.

Some more punny cheeses...
Jarlsbark
Boughburger
Cherry Vit
Oaka
Hollymi
Fourme de Bois
Marscapine
Palmigiano-Reggiano
Pineconing
Dorset Blue Viny

and a genuine one..
Queso Palmita

[Australian rePublic]

You''re missing a pun about cheese "mooving" off the shelves

[Candlewhisper Archive]

A very cheesy issue. Now, that's a brilliant title

Or just "Pure Cheese"

[Outer Sparta]

Nice puns. Are the first two options' names are random or not?

[Drasnia]

Nice puns. Are the first two options' names are random or not?

The first two are not random. The first is using two cheeses that sound like names (Brunost = Bruno, Liptauer has the ending that is used often in last names) and the second is a play on wood puns, since he is the creator of wood/cheese products.

[Drasnia]

Second page bump.

[Drasnia]

I did some rewriting, including reworking the whole description, changing Tree Cheeses to Swiss Army Cheese (More puns!), and cleaning up some grammar fixes. Opinions? Is this about ready for submission?

[Australian rePublic]

This issue needs to make mention of the lactose intolerant

[Drasnia]

This issue needs to make mention of the lactose intolerant

Why? The issue is about cheese purity, not whether all cheese should be banned. We already have one of those. (#189) I don't see that making particular sense in the context of this draft. I already have the compromise option, which, now that I think about it, has no downside. Crud, guess I'm going to have to edit it again.

EDIT: Added a bit of a downside.

[Trotterdam]

I already have the compromise option, which, now that I think about it, has no downside. Crud, guess I'm going to have to edit it again.

EDIT: Added a bit of a downside.

[option]"Pélardon me," culture critic @@RANDOMNAME@@ interrupts with a glass of wine in hand, "but perhaps we can come to a compromise. Most citizens don't know jack about cheese, so to help them, you should have manufacturers print the cheese content percentage on every label. That way those that want high-quality cheese can easily find it while those that want the less expensive option can as well. Sure, the problem of purity will persist, but the consumers will at least be somewhat informed - if they even read the labels."
[effect]cheese purity is a point of debate amongst shoppers

I've heard that imitation cheese products (and real/imitation mixes) are used primarily as ingredients in more derived foods (such as pizza) sold as a finished unit (where people rarely pay close scrutiny to every item on the ingredient list), rather than in cheeses sold as a standalone product (where people can tell what they're buying and naturally fall into their "purer is better" instincts).

(In fact, I've heard it claimed that even though pizza makers use cheese substitutes in their toppings to cut costs, cheese substitutes as a standalone product are actually more expensive than pure cheeses... because the main market for those are the committed ethical vegans, who will pay any price.)

I haven't done any research of my own to corroborate these anecdotes (and it may vary by country), but they may help you with a "downside" to this compromise. Sure, standalone cheeses have clear purity labels and people can decide what to buy... but the pizza places are still ripping them off.

[Drasnia]

This was inspired by news story that many of the cheaper parmesan cheeses like the brand my parents buy are made up of several percent cellulose made from wood chips.

But mentioning how other foods that incorporate cheese (like your pizza example) wouldn't be required to list the purity may be as good if not better as a downside.

[Australian rePublic]

Let me put it this way-a justification for saw dust could be lactose intollerance

[Trotterdam]

This was inspired by news story that many of the cheaper parmesan cheeses like the brand my parents buy are made up of several percent cellulose made from wood chips.

Wait, they're making cheese from actual wood?

I thought that was just comedic hyperbole!

But mentioning how other foods that incorporate cheese (like your pizza example) wouldn't be required to list the purity may be as good if not better as a downside.

Even if they mention the purity, people are less likely to notice. The more ingredients a product has, the less suspicious people are going to get if they don't understand one item on the list, and it's not like most people know exactly how much percent-by-weight of a proper pizza is supposed to be cheese topping.

Also, there are ways to cheat. A pizza could mention that it's topped with "100% Swiss Army Cheese" and trust that customers don't think to look up what Swiss Army Cheese is.

Let me put it this way-a justification for saw dust could be lactose intollerance

The cheese on sale is described as containing "equal parts cheese and wood". That's still 50% as much lactose as pure cheese, which is probably too much for the lactose-intolerant.

Unless you want to suggest they eat pure sawdust.

[Drasnia]

Let me put it this way-a justification for saw dust could be lactose intollerance

I don't think that idea would fly. The Swiss Army Cheese is half wood half cheese, and that is so extremely absurd, I can't even stress it enough. An "acceptable" (to put in the words of Kraft) amount of cellulose from wood chips was 3.8%. That still leaves the cheese at 96.2% purity. I'm not well-versed in lactose intolerance, but for most allergies, even trace amounts of the allergen can trigger a reaction. For example, companies warn if some foods were made using machinery that also processes peanuts. I would think, though I could be wrong, that the cheese content would still trigger a response no matter how little was actually in the product.

[Trotterdam]

Lactose intolerance is generally less severe than peanut allergy. People can often still handle small amounts of dairy without serious problems. In fact, cheese (and butter) already contains significantly less lactose than fresh milk.

In fact, lactose intolerance is not medically classified as an "allergy", since it works on different principles. (However, true allergies can also vary significantly in severity. Peanut allergies are often lethal in even tiny quantities, but some allergies just make you sneeze a lot.)

[Drasnia]

Second page bump.

[A Humanist Science]

Description: Swiss Army Cheese, a product comprised of equal parts cheese sharp cheddar and wood, recently began being sold in supermarkets across the nation.

Come on now. Obvious joke is obvious.

[Drasnia]

Description: Swiss Army Cheese, a product comprised of equal parts cheese sharp cheddar and wood, recently began being sold in supermarkets across the nation.

Come on now. Obvious joke is obvious.

Added and submitted.

[New Axiom]

That click bait though...

[Drasnia]

That click bait though...

Clickbait? What are you talking about? Issue titles are supposed to be catchy - after all, every nation is given them.

[Australian rePublic]

Good luck!