News from the Antarctic Oasis region _۩_ 10 June 2009
WApocalypse Now?
Confusion reigns as Kennyites pull out of world body
WA diplomats violently confront each other over the color scheme on Turkmenistan's WFE.
PARADISE CITY, Omigodtheykilledkenny --- The sea level rose slightly last weekend, sparking fears of an impending global warming crisis, as the collective drool of conspiracy nuts greeted the government's recent announcement that, like the UN before it, the WA had apparently "spectacularly imploded in a colossal fireball of extra-dimensional inanity." "Which is pretty freakin' ironic, if you think about it," the missive continued.
This followed a cryptic announcement the day before, wherein the government claimed it "cannot account" for the WA's whereabouts. "We don't understand it; it was right here just a minute ago!" read the message.
All day long Sunday, news commentators feverishly discussed the electrifying international political crisis -- not about the WA, but the latest sex scandal surrounding "Jon & Kate Minus 8," a reality show chronicling the life of a self-absorbed couple who have their children taken away for shamelessly exploiting them on national television.
But Internet narcissists couldn't get enough of the world legislative body's mysterious disappearance. Blog traffic on one-world-government-themed Web sites exploded over the weekend, as pimply-faced geeks in pajamas posted their own theories explaining what had happened to the World Assembly. Some contended that military grade helicopters, while trying to transfer some Texan nation to Hyrule, accidentally picked up WA Headquarters instead and left them in parts unknown. Others claimed that the WA simply ran out of funding, since "donation" really did mean "voluntary," and thus no one was willing to pay up.
But the most popular theory making the rounds on Internet message boards is one pushed by the Flattened World Society, contending that the World Assembly was an elaborate hoax and that all the televised debates and votes on resolutions were staged for public consumption.
"Like there's such a thing as talking bears or giant squid cyborgs, anyway," scoffed FWS spokeswoman Jessica Dreagel during a news conference last week. "I mean, it's almost as silly as all those stories about 'foul-mouthed dolphins'! Ha!"
Other Web proponents of the wild theory cite as "proof" supposed photographic evidence that Quintessence of Dust Ambassador Lois Merrywether is really Gruenberg's Poppo Poppypants, only without the regular male-hormone treatments. Some have also pointed out that the national motto of Aundotutunagir, when translated into the country's native language, is an anagram for "WORLD ASSEMBLY FAKE."
And apparently, if you freeze the video for a floor debate on torture, at the point where Gobbannium's Cerys Coch hurls some random nitwit out the window, "zooming up to her waist clearly shows the words 'This is a hoax' on the band of her panties," claimed Keith Link, the author of several UFO-themed books, including "Maxtopian Deception: The Truth behind the Story That We Are All Figments of Internet Addicts' Imaginations."
When a recently discovered document, supposedly a secret Defense Department report on terror detainees held at the Tiki Taki military prison, revealed that WA Ambassador Susa Batko-Yovino had actually been an inmate there since April 2008, it gave rise to the theory that "World Assembly" was just a game Batko-Yovino and his fellow inmates liked to play with each other, and that the supposed "defenestrations" were documented evidence of detainee abuse.
More respectable sites detailed Fernanda Administration insiders' growing concern that they were being played, especially when it was announced that the WA would start doing silly things like "liberating" regions, electing underlings for Catherine Gratwick, settling the score once and for all over whether llamas or squirrels are the cooler national animal, and congratulating Kandarin for the artful trim on his pubes.
"That's when we started to suspect that the World Assembly might have been an April Fools' joke after all," an unnamed administration official is quoted as saying on the popular cultural-news site, probe.com.
"Hell," the official said, "no WA means we can finally get back to that presidential election" -- recently suspended when President Fernanda tried to proposition a CNN debate moderator (but was instead horrified to discover that Anderson Cooper was really a man).
Alerted to action on the news of the WA's ceasing to exist, debate in the Federal Congress ground to a halt when Assembly Speaker Emeritus Knotts Berry suddenly came out of retirement to propose that, since the Congress had "already debated pretty much every kind of legislation there is," it might start discussing ways to "make the Assembly better at doing exactly what it's doing now."
The ensuing debates on "Commending Antigone Morgan for that spectacular rack," "Commending Jack Riley for remembering to take his medication," "Condemning Justin Timberlake for thinking he's black," "Condemning Fox News for not hiring more hot babes as newsreaders" ought to have given the pro-WA and anti-WA factions in Congress enough time to hammer out resolution in response to the situation. But alas, when the Assembly finally ran out of things to commend or condemn, and had already removed the passwords for 10 states, they were still hopelessly stymied.
Then at midnight Sunday, an eleventh-hour deal was struck, and Congress unanimously voted to tar and feather the Unibotian ambassador. Whether the Federal Republic would actually remain part of the World Assembly was not addressed.
Golgothastani rep hospitalized after losing reality show
SÆGLÓPUR, Golgothastan --- National football team head coach and recent celebrity Jack Barryson has been admitted to the psychiatric wing of the Breiðafjarðar Hospital, hours after losing in the final of the popular TV show Golgothastan Hasn't Got Much Talent If This Band Of Wankers Is The Best We Can Muster. Formerly known as Jack Weisgaarden, he served as Golgothastan's only representative to the UN/WA for years, and is believed to have been taken into care after suffering a total mental and emotional breakdown induced by stress, exhaustion, and total existential crisis. His rampant alcoholism probably doesn't help.
Fernanda re-election campaign hires Palentine emperor's son
THE BURGH, The Palentine --- Her Imperial Hottness has made arrangements for her younger brother Lionel Q. Spaulding and his girlfriend Remy Sinclair to receive a government internship with a regional ally, Omigodtheykilledkenny. The 19-year-old half brother is an honor graduate of Dr. Hugo's Academy for Young Scoundrels in Zelienople where he specialized in dooziness and skirt-chasing. He and his girlfriend both attend Palentine Polygnostic University. Having finalized arrangements with Secretary of State Sammy Faisano, the young couple will be working with President Fernanda's re-election campaign.
For more awesome news stories like these, check out the Polar Picayune newswire, available only on the AO forum.